refine me , lord

so let me give praise upon praise

e'en if praise be tears

let me learn that 'yond the pain

you allow the sweetness in

... that which you would take away 

you replace with yourself, lord

we sing this in church today, this hymn from another generation and another language. it reminds me that peace comes in submission, and with peace comes joy.

o God our help

our God our help in ages past, our hope for years to come, our shelter from the stormy blast, and our eternal home. under the shadow of thy throne thy saints have dwelt secure; sufficient is thine arm alone, and our defense is sure. before the hills in order stood, or earth received her frame, from everlasting thou art God, to endless years the same. our God our help in ages past, our hope for years to come, be thou our guard while troubles last, and our eternal home.  - isaac watts

sometimes, quite often, as a reaction to the hearty choruses that are in favor these days, but also as the cry of a broken unworthy soul, i would like to sing one of these grand old hymns again, with the focus less on that holy undeserved intimacy between my Lord and me, and more on the almighty all merciful God of us all, lest we unwittingly bestow grace too cheaply upon ourselves.

sunday thought

nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

e'en though it be a cross that raiseth me,

still all my song shall be, nearer, my God to thee,

nearer, my God to thee, nearer to thee!

...then, with my waking thoughts bright with thy praise

out of my stony griefs Bethel i'll raise;

so by my woes to be nearer, my God, to thee

nearer, my God, to thee, nearer to thee!

- sarah f. adams

some songs tap our feet, some songs we weep out. there is a place for both, and the second do not belong only to memorial services.

what's changed in 2 years

1. many more free wi-fi spots. what was life before this like??
2. the beltway expansion finally finished. it looks quite handsome too.
3. the little kids have grown bigger.

otherwise, not too much has changed. it is comfortingly like going back to your hometown.

old times 2 - getting out of it

winter travel is unpredictable. march is spring not winter. so HOM and i get nicely caught in the tailspin of an anachronism. that is to say, we get the full brunt of a snow storm on the day we fly out of d.c.

to be specific, the 'plane i am seated in gets mechanical trouble followed by communications trouble followed by crew time-out followed by de-planing followed by passenger tantrums followed by new crew time-out followed eight hours later by flight cancellation and re-assignment to a new flight to another continent.

the 'plane HOM is seated in gets into a super long line trying to get de-iced followed by mechanical trouble followed by power outage followed by another line to de-ice followed by some more mechanical trouble followed eventually by a missed connection.

but by God's great providence both our final flights land in changi at the same time three days later on the same terminal and are assigned adjoining baggage belts and we share a cab home.

i often say God is in control but to see just how much control is both awe inspiring and amazingly comforting.

old times

it is a visit that almost never was, as HOM and i fly in on five separate flights to meet again at the airport, in a county caught in a snow storm. we catch up with old friends over warm meals while the winds whip and the sleet falls. the faces are the same the names come back the stories continue unbroken and the challenges remain. uncle so-and-so had cancer last year, but he is well now by God's grace, they tell us. old mama so-and-so died last year. the young ones are graduating college this year! so-and-so is going to medical school! little so-and-so is getting married. 

we visit favorite haunts from before and eat at miyagi again. the cinnamon crunch bagel from panera bread calls my name as usual. we buy boxes of kosher salt because we can. the neighborhood street names come back effortlessly. never mind the gps, i tell HOM. i'm your gps.

it is a visit to the place of my flames and floods. the memories are not all untarnished. old anxieties fears and agonies remind me that they have lived side by side with friendships fellowship and comfort. it is a visit to teach me that the memory of pain moves me, but not with the same paralyzing fearsomeness as the pain itself. i learn that pain is in God's hands as much as joy and happiness. i pray i may not fear this.

it is a good visit, in the sense of a good and perfect gift.